Alf vs the Intersect
by LazyBeyondMeasure
Summary: Meet Alf Polowski, a down-on-his-luck junior at Diane Beckman High School who suddenly becomes entangled in a world of guns, espionage and lies after a pizza delivery gone wrong. This is the story of the new Human Intersect.
1. Chapter 1: A pizza delivery gone wrong

Alf vs his Origin

"Lisa doesn't mess around with rejections, Alf! I merely walk up to her table and she throws a packet of ketchup at the new shirt I got yesterday!"

Lance furiously wiped at the belly of his green shirt, attacking the red stains that dot his bright green stomach. He continued to rant about how girls are a waste of time and how all of them are the same until he mutters the name of a girl that was completely different to Alf.

"…never liked Stephanie!" Lance yelled as he stared down the red polka dots. Alf's brown eyes suddenly enlarged and stared at Lance, half shocked and half angry.

"Look, buddy, I'm okay with the Steph hating any other day of the week, but today is an especially unpleasant day and I'd rather not talk about the girl who hooked up with another guy hours after telling me she loves me."

The day is November 14, 2022. The day that Alf's mom left 15 years ago and the day Alf's father died 6 years ago. As Alf relived the last memory he had of his parents, he aimlessly mushed together the cheap cafeteria mashed potatoes with a plastic fork that tastes equally as bad as his lunch. Lance realized the date as he unlocked his iPhone Omega and opened his mouth to make an apology, "Holy crap, Alfie, I'm such an id-" Alf held up his hand to quiet Lance, "Don't beat yourself up. I wish I could forget like you." The two best friends continued to eat their lunch in their peaceful corner of the quad, before hearing the bell and somberly walking to class.

As Alfie opens the door to his history class, he is greeted by President Ronald Reagan. "Hello, Mr. President" Alf greeted, at the same time rolling his eyes. Of course, Mr. President was only a giant cardboard cutout. Miss Lee has a huge admiration for President Reagan, in fact, there is an age old rumor that Miss Lee hires male strippers that have been surgically altered to resemble President Reagan.

The name Brigadier General Diane Beckman was written across the board in big dark letters. Alf turned on his iDesk and was greeted with a picture of a middle age brunette with eyes that would stop people in their tracks. A muffled scream was heard from Alf's corner of the room and 25 pairs of eyes turned to stare at him. Alf waved and let out a nervous chuckle, before staring back down at the General. He would rather stare at a menacing creature than interact with his fellow learners.

Miss Lee began her lecture.

"Brigadier General Diane Beckman was a true American hero. When those bastard commies attacked us back in 2018, she went into the field to command our troops herself in person. None of you ingrates are half the patriot she was! Despite her short stature, she was a formidable opponent, both physically and verbally. When her military base was swarmed by those rat bastard commies, she was captured and detained for 2 months. However, she was able to escape and kill an entire unit of those commie bastards with nothing but a nail clipper and a pair of socks! She used the limbs of his captors as crutches for her journey to a US base, where she explained her heroics. However, 3 months later…" Miss Lee turned her back to the class and took several deep breaths, "…3 months later she was on a private jet to Langley when it was shot down. Her body was never recovered" Several tears ran down Miss Lee's cheek before composing herself and returning to the stern look she usually bears.

"After she died, the government decided to rename several areas in several cities after her. Her favorite city was Burbank so they erected this school in her honor. You ingrates have to write a 5 page essay about the heroics of General Beckman and how she has affected your daily American lives due in two days! This will be worth 500 patriot points! You have the rest of the period to work on this."

The entire class groaned and Alf just slammed his head into his desk.

As the sweet serenade of the final bell flew through the air of Beckman High, Alf aimlessly walked to his car. After seeing some girls he didn't like floating near his locker, he decides to come back after his shift. Alf hops into his car and listens to the sweet hum of the engine. Just as he switches his gears, a familiar, yet short figure sprints in front of his car, blocking Alf's way.

"Alf, Alfie, Alf, Alfie, Alf, wait up, man."

"Jeez, Lance, I nearly ran you over! What do you even need, our shift starts in 15 minutes."

"I need a ride."

"A ride?! What happened to your bike?"

"Yeeeah, I sold that old piece o' junk to Jeff in exchange for 30 bucks."

"30 bucks?! Lance, that bike was your only means of transportation!"

"I know, Alf, I know. Can you please give me a ride to work today? My bunions are dying from all this walking."

"Okay, fine, but we're going to have a long conversation about your irresponsibility and finding a new way to get around."

After much debate, the two friends agreed that Lance can use Alf's old bike until the next paycheck, which he will then cash in to pay for a new bike. The remainder of the ride consisted of them talking about video games and how crazy Miss Lee is. Alf parked and donned his work attire: a jacket that bears the Pizza Temple logo and a baseball cap with the same logo. Pizza Temple contributed a lot to Alf's life. His car was leased by the company, at the expense of Alf having to drive around a car with a giant pizza on the roof.

Alf and Lance walked into the glorious Pizza Temple together. Their workplace was indeed, a temple. Long before Diane Beckman was killed, the Pizza Temple was a Buddhist temple where monks from all over the world came to study. However, the CIA discovered it was a front for weapons and drug smuggling and it was promptly shut down. As soon as Alf entered the temple, someone threw a box of pizza at him.

"ALF, DELIVER THIS IS 478 CHIP WAY!"

Alf merely sighed. He couldn't get any rest. Wanting to get the day over with, Alf rushed out the door, not looking. He bumped into two men in identical black suits.

"Sorry."

The men in suits simply grunted and walked inside, as if Alf was a small ant. Alf didn't dwell on it, so he continued to his car and got in.

After deliberately getting lost in order to take more minutes out of his work shift, Alf arrived at 478 Chip Way. He knocked on the door with his pizza and receipt. He noticed the name of the recipient was Manuel.

A tall, middle-aged, fair-skinned man opened the door.

"Hi, Pizza Temple delivery for Manuel."

"Ah, yes, one sec-Alfie Polowski?"

Alf looked up and stared at the man. Who was this man? Former teacher? Possible, but doubtful. Alfie remembered all of his former mentors.

"Um, I'm sorry, sir, but who are you exactly?"

"Oh, of course, you were too young to remember. I'm Manuel Sanz, I was your father's colleague and friend. Before I had to move, you and your sister called me Tito Manny. In fact, come inside, I was looking through some old stuff and found something of his."

Alf hesitantly walked inside. Technically, he was supposed to deliver the pizza and leave. But today he didn't want to do more work.

Manuel's workplace was cluttered. It was no wonder he looked for stressed and sleep-deprived. Manuel made some space on the couch and Alf placed his messenger bag next to a counter.

"Oof, I must've left it upstairs. I'll be right a minute."

As soon as Manuel ascended the stairs, Alf jumped right up and began looking at everything inside Manuel's workplace. It was an engineer's dream. Schematics, codes, prototypes, it had everything. During Alf's little tour, he accidentally bumped into the counter his bag was perched on and caused a multitude of objects to fall down onto the floor. Panicked that Manuel might've heard him, Alf picked up everything and sat back down.

Manuel comes back down the stairs, visibly sweating and red. He pants out a few words.

"Might've…misplaced…it. Here…100…bucks."

Alf takes the money and hands Manuel his pizza and receipt. Manuel quickly says goodbye and opens the door for Alf to leave.

"Well," Alf mutters to himself, "that was a strange series of events."

"Alfie Polowski, it is 8:00! WHY ARE YOU HOME SO LATE?!"

As soon as Alf opened his front door, his sister grabbed him and threw him inside. Although Alf was six feet tall and Mai was merely five foot five, she had the strength of two men when it came to protecting her brother.

"Calm down, sis. I just got lost during a deliver, that's all."

Mai looked at him angrily, and then all of a sudden, it changed into a look of sadness, "Alf, you know what day it is. I'm sorry I acted like this, I'm just afraid of losing another family member."

Alf suddenly realized his mistake. "I should've told you I was running late. I'm sorry, sis."

"It's alright. Go to your room and do some homework, I'll call you down for dinner in a bit."

Alf threw his stuff onto his bed and sat down in his chair. He rolled over to take some stuff out of his bag. The first thing he grabbed was a picture of him and his sister at her graduation. Sometimes it got tough living without parents. Mai had to adapt to her parentless lifestyle very quickly. She was a great sister. Unfortunately, she recently took a job at a successful tech firm, BreakThrough Tech. She met her current boyfriend, Avery Pierce, while interning there.

As Alf put his photo away, he saw that there was a pair of sunglasses that didn't belong to him resting at the bottom of his bag. Looking around suspiciously, Alf walked up to his mirror and started looking at himself. All he saw was a tall, skinny, brown haired, nerdy, white boy. Hoping that the sunglasses will improve what he saw, he tried them on.

As soon as he puts on the sunglasses, he feels them cling onto his skin and somehow magnetizing his eyes opens. Thousands of images begin to flash from the lenses of the sunglasses, causing Alf to take in information faster than he ever has. He sees pictures of past Presidents, assassinations, monkeys, weapons, schematics. Suddenly, the images stop. All that remains on the lenses are the words:

_Intersect Alpha Upload Complete._

The glasses are released and Alf immediately throws them onto the ground. Trying to move forward, Alf only feels his body fall backwards into his bed. Before he hits the ground he loses consciousness.

"ALF, WAKE UP!"

Alf's eyes shoot open and he surveys the room. He immediately sees his short friend bending over shaking him awake.

"Alf, class starts in 10 minutes, let's go!"

_Damn it_, Alf thought, _it's a Tuesday._ "I'll be right out, bud, start the car for me"

Lance smiled at his rare privilege of starting up the car and raced out the door. Alfie quickly threw on some new clothes and sprayed himself with deodorant and ran after Lance.

The two friends rushed to their lockers to obtain their supplies and ran to Spanish class, where Alf sat in the back of the classroom. His teacher was Senora Yuen, who spoke a plethora of languages. As soon as class started, she began a long, boring lecture on the subjunctive form of Spanish verbs. Five minutes into her lecture, Alf drifted off. In another ten minutes, Senora Yuen noticed and began yelling at Alf.

"Porcina Lazy, despierta! No me pagan lo suficiente para enseñar que los niños estúpidos!"

As Alf opened his mouth to make an excuse, he suddenly felt a rush to his brain. His eyes rolled to the back of head and his breath became short and labored. He began seeing Spanish accents, letters and words and when it stopped, he gasped and shook his head. He cut off his teacher's scolding and began yelling himself.

"¿Cómo te atreves a llamar a un cerdo perezoso! Siempre he odiado esta clase y que me han enseñado nada! Todo el mundo en esta clase te desprecia! Cada vez que abres la boca mi inteligencia disminuye!"

Alf stopped yelling and stood there slack-jawed. He ranted in Spanish with perfect flow, perfect grammar, perfect accent, and perfect vocabulary. Not even his teacher could speak that well. After a couple minutes of awkward silence, the bell rang and Alf quickly ran out of the classroom.

Alf walked into his history classroom and saw that his teacher was absent and he got the entire period to work on his Beckman essay. When he opened his iBook, he felt the same rush to the head he felt when he was in Spanish. However, instead of seeing Spanish symbols and words, he saw files and pictures. He saw the word _Intersect_ flashed a couple times, and towards the end of the rush, he a picture of four people together. To the very right was a stone-faced man who looked buff and gruff. He had his arm around a short bearded fellow, who was pointing to the left towards a curly-haired tall man, wearing what seemed to Alf was a Nerd Herd uniform. He was hand in hand with a beautiful blonde, wearing yoga pants and a zip-up hoodie. Alf blinked hard and took a deep breath and continued to work, however he was obviously panicked.

Alf came to school the next day in a particularly happy mood. He hadn't "rushed" as he began to call it, since history class the other day. And his next class was math, where he sat next to Amanda who Alf thought had a thing for him. Alf reached out to grab the door handle, but a loud beep interrupted him.

"_**ALFIE POLOWSKI, PLEASE REPORT TO THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE."**_

_Oh man, this is it. They know about my rushes. They know I'm going insane. What am I going to do? How will I tell Mai? Oh jeez, Lance is going to die without me! Oh God, oh man, Oh god, OH MAN. _

By the time Alf reached the principal's office, he was sweating bullets and hyperventilating. He opened the door and quickly made eye contact with the principal, before breaking it.

"Hello, Alfie, come take a seat", he smiled and beckoned to the empty chair.

Alf sat down nervously and began fiddling with his fingers, "So, am I in trouble?"

The principal laughed and shook his head, "Of course not, Alfie, you're here because I want you to show this transfer student around the school." He pointed to Alf's left.

If there was music playing in Alf's head, the record would have just scratched. Alf slowly turned his head towards his left. When he finished his turn, he saw that he was sitting next to the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. She had long brown hair and big chocolate eyes that Alf would have killed to swim in. She was wearing a very revealing red short skirt and wearing a white button-up shirt and a brown jacket.

"Hey, Alfie, I'm Naomi Eaton, pleased to meet you!"

"H-h-hey-hi-hello, Naomi, my name is Alfred, I mean Alfie, er-um, you can just call me Alf!"

"Alright then…Alf…"

The principal interrupted the awkward conversation, "Alfie, you are to bring Ms. Eaton around the school to all of your classes. I've duplicated your schedule and she is in all of your classes and has the locker right next to you."

Alf couldn't believe it. He had to spend every minute of school next to the beautiful Naomi he had just met. Alf wore a huge grin and turned to Naomi.

"Alright, Naomi, let's get on our way, shall we? My next class is pre-calc." He hopped out of his seat and held the door open for Naomi.

"Alright, Naomi, that was the last bell, so you can go wherever you want now. I have to run to work right now, but you can hang out at the library until 5, the gym is open until 4, and there's a movie theater at the mall I work at."

"That sounds great, but I think I'll go home, Alf. Thanks for showing me around."

"Alright, see ya tomorrow!"

Alf began to walk to where he parked his car, until he heard a shout from behind.

"Wait, Alf!"

Alf turned around as if he were in the military. "Yes, Naomi?"

"Since I'm new to the town and all, could you show me around? You've lived in Burbank all your life, right?"

"Sure, I could show you around. When and where?"

Naomi handed him a slip of paper that had her number and address scribbled on. "Just call me when you're done with work and I'll tell you what time to pick me up. Thanks, Alf!"

Alf just chuckled and got into his car.

"Alf, you sly motherf-"

Alf jumped and turned around to see Lance in his backseat.

"JESUS, LANCE, HOW ARE YOU IN MY CAR."

"C'mon, bud, you didn't think I WOULDN'T duplicate your car keys? C'mon, son. Never mind me though, who was that smoking brunette you are talking to?"

A huge grin appeared on Alf's face, "That is Naomi, a transfer student I'm showing around. And we are going on a date tonight."

Lance sat up and punched Alf's arm. "YOU LUCKY BASTARD. How do you even do that?"

"It's all in the Polowski genes. C'mon, we'll be late to work, get buckled."

Mai noticed that Alf walked in the house looking famished.

"Hey, Alf, don't settle in your room, dinner is almost done. Hope you don't mind, but Avery is staying over for a couple weeks. Something about his heater being broken or something."

"Oh, forgot to tell you Mai, but I, Alfie Polowski, have a date!"

Mai dropped the spoon she was holding and stood with her jaw touching the ground.

"You. Have. A. Date?"

Alf frowned and faced his sister, "Thanks for the vote of confidence, sis."

Mai held her hands up frantically, "No, no, no, no, no! I just wasn't aware you were interested in a girl! Tell me, who are you going with?"

"She's a transfer student and she's supposed to shadow me until she's settled at the new school. And for your information, she asked me to ask her out…if that makes sense."

"Okay….what are you wearing?"

Alf gestured to his Pizza Temple delivery uniform.

"Alfie, do you want to look like an uncultured slob? Go to your room and wear the thing Avery bought you for Christmas. And comb your hair; it's beginning to make funny animal shapes again."

When Alf emerged from his room, his sister was holding a rose in her hand.

"Oh, I'm so excited for you…here bring her this."

"Thanks, sis. I don't know what I'd do without you."

"Okay, go have fun! Drive safely!"

And with that, Alf went out to conquer the world.

Naomi is standing on the balcony, waiting for Alf. She heard a knock on her door and goes to answer it.

"Hey, Naomi, ready to go?"

"Yeah, Alf, let's."

A pair of curious eyes surveyed the room before she closes the door.

"Uhhh, so hate to be intrusive, but where are your parents?"

"Oh, they're still in Virginia finalizing some things before moving. I came to Burbank before them so I wouldn't miss anything at school."

"Wow, independent and studious. Very sexy."

Naomi looked down at the ground trying to hide her red cheeks. Alf notices and tries to fix his mistake.

"Oh, jeez, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be so direct. I was trying to make a joke."

Naomi laughed to herself, "No, Alf, it's okay, I'm just not used to flirting. Back in Virginia I wasn't exactly the most social person."

"Same here! This date thing is pretty much new to me."

They shared a laugh and drove to their destination. As they ate their dinner, Naomi surprised Alf with a very personal question.

"So, Alf. What's your story?"

"My story?"

"Yeah, everyone has a story."

"Well I'm not really sure what you expect me to say, so maybe you should tell me your story before I tell you mine."

"I asked first," Naomi winked.

"Okay, fine. Don't fall asleep, though," Naomi nodded, "Well, let's see. The first 10 years of my life are pretty boring. Long story short, my parents either left or passed away in that 10 year period. My sister raised me, so I turned out pretty good, since she's Superwoman. But, in the 7th grade I got recruited by some huge, prestigious boarding school, only to get kicked out because…well, because I wasn't smart enough."

"Oh, wow. I'm so sorry. Well, my story is that I'm moving from Virginia because my sister was murdered eight months ago and we didn't want to live in the same place she died in."

"Naomi, that's terrible, I'm so sorry."

"Thanks, Alf."

A sad smile spread across Alf's face. His eyes wandered past Naomi and notice two men in suits. Suddenly, he sees files of the two men. One is called Christian Young and became a rogue CIA agent in 2019. The other is Julian Gatt and went rogue from the NSA in 2020. They'd been working together since the summer of 2020 and had 17 confirmed kills and taken down an entire country with their organization. As soon as his rush ended, his smile washed away from his face and became a frown. Naomi noticed and turned around.

"Uh, Alf, I think this shrimp isn't agreeing with me. Could you drive me home?"

Alf's eyes dart from the agents to Naomi. "Uh, sure. Let me grab my coat. Hey! Let's go out the back, it's closer to the parking lot."

He quickly grabbed his coat and Naomi and walked to the back through a narrow hallway. He pretended to trip and cause a stack of boxes to fall over, temporarily blocking the path. As he lengthened his stride and quickened their pace, the back door opened and the two rogue agents emerged.

"Uhm, Naomi, I don't normally do this on a first date…"

"Do what?"

"RUN!"

Alf took off running as Naomi followed him. Because of his delivery boy job, he knew the city like the back of his hand. He grabbed Naomi's hand to ensure that he didn't lose her. They hopped over fences, climbed ladders, jumped off small rooftops.

As soon as he thought he was safe, he doubled over and began to wheeze.

"Believe it or not, Naomi, this isn't even my worst date. Sorry that happened, I got paranoid someone was following me."

"Alf, that wasn't a date."

Alf's eyes widened and stared at Naomi.

"Listen, Alf, this may sound crazy, but I'm an agent for the CIA and I've been assigned to determine whether or not you are in possession of a piece of government technology that has been recently leaked."

"Wait, what?! You're just a teenager!"

"I was recruited at a young age; the Agency started doing back that in 2015 and I was one of the first recruits. But, that's beside the point. Right now, you need to tell me, are you possession in any strange technology?"

In Alf's head, everything clicked together. The glasses, the rushes, the images in his brain.

"Well…if you're talking about the glasses I put on a few days ago, than yeah…"

"So where's the information it contained?"

Alf merely pointed to his head. Naomi looked confused for a second, but regained her state of composure. She held her wrist to her mouth and began speaking into it, "This is Watts, we need extraction. Rendezvous at extraction point 7," she brought her wrist down and looked at Alf, "Okay, let's go."

As they climbed the stairs to a helipad, Alf couldn't help but fear for his life. They reached the top and stared at the stars waiting for a helicopter.

"I was going to end the date staring at the stars on the beach, not a helipad," he muttered to himself.

Suddenly, they heard footsteps behind them and saw the two rogue agents behind them.

"There's nowhere to go, Agent. Give us the boy before we have to take him."

Naomi pulled out a gun from behind her back. Alf looked at her in disbelief.

"What the hell, you were packing on a date?"

She gave him a sympathetic look, but then shifted focus to her target at hand. All of a sudden, a man, wearing black cargo pants, a black camouflage jacket and a short brunette military haircut came from behind the rogue agents and shot them both. Alf let out a squeal, since it was his first time watching people get shot and killed.

The shooter took a badge out from his back pocket, "Agent Ian Bryne, CIA, who are you?"

Naomi also pulled out a badge, "Agent Naomi Eaton, CIA."

"You're too young to be CIA."

"I was part of Young Initiative program, grandpa. What are you doing on my operation?

"My superiors wanted to make sure you didn't screw this up. You shouldn't be handling an op this big by yourself."

"I can handle myself!" yelled Naomi.

Byrne snorted, "Really, 'cause it seemed like you weren't handling yourself right there."

Alf decided to speak up, "Excuse me, but what the hell is going on?"

Naomi wanted to answer, but Byrne cut her off, "Listen, kid, you downloaded something the government wants back. Because you have it, say goodbye to your life because we need to lock you away for a long time in order to get our secrets back. Now both, of you, come with me. That's an order."

The pair followed Byrne, but when Alf passed the body of one of the rogue agents, he saw that his ID fell out. Within a second, he saw schematics of a building and the Intersect showed him how to get there from where he was currently standing in. He saw the word _Malum_ flash up a couple of times.

"I know where these two rogue agents came from!"

The two CIA agents glanced at Alf. Byrne spoke up, "So, you gonna tell us?"

"Follow me!"

"Hey, wait!"

But Alf didn't wait. He sprinted to where the Intersect told him to go. _They're CIA agents. They should be able to keep up with me_.

When he stopped sprinting, they were in front of an abandoned warehouse. Alf smugly pointed to the door, as if he were about to hold it open, "You majesty," he beckoned to Byrne.

Byrne just grunted and attempted to kick the door open. His attempts failed and he growled, as if he was trying to obtain more strength. Meanwhile, Alf was looking at the keypad and suddenly saw an array of algorithms and formulas, finally ending with the number "8741". He typed it into the keypad and it opened just before Byrne attempted another kick.

When it opened, two men in security outfits noticed and yelled at them to halt. Naomi sprinted at both and spun in the air, kicking one of the guards. She dodged two punches and got in between, and ducked, causing both guards to both each other. Smiling, she swiftly kicked one of the guards into the wall, knocking him out and grabbed the other guard by the neck and smashed his head into her knee. Alf was impressed and whistled to show so.

"Enough foreplay, let's find their main office and torch this place," Byrne said.

Although it looked like a warehouse on the outside, the inside was designed like a state-of-the-art complex. Next to every door was a keypad that read _Malum_ on the tops.

Byrne also noticed the word _Malum_. "I've always heard rumors that Malum existed. Looks like it does."

The trio ran past a window, but they all noticed that inside was an office. Byrne took ahold of Alf and brought his head next to the keypad. "Do that thing again, kid."

Once again, his head was filled with formulas and equation and saw another number, "7153". He typed it in and they went inside and closed the door.

Naomi looked at Alf, "Alright, Alf, find any USBs or CDs in this office. I need to set up some explosives so we can get out of here." She runs out the door with a bag that Byrne handed her.

Alf rifled through drawers and files, trying to find something to make his "date" worthwhile. He opened a drawer, but feels something shuffle underneath it. He slid his hand underneath the bottom and found a hidden compartment, where he found a thumb drive. He grinned and held it up for Byrne to see.

"Perfect. Let's get out of here before Agent Eaton decides to blow us up." Byrne grabbed Alf by the collar and runs out of the building. On their way out, Naomi showed up next to them and instructed them to take cover behind another building. She detonated the explosives and watched as the building went up in flames.

"Well", Byrne said to Alf, "with that performance, you might not have to be locked away."

1st period. PE. Alf's least favorite class. He walked into the gym lazily, expecting the worst.

"Hello, class. Your old PE teacher, Mr. Doug, had to move to Hawaii for family purposes. My name is Mr. Ian Byrne, and I'm your PE teacher for the rest of the year."

Alf's eyes widened and see that Byrne was grinning at him.

"Okay, you lazy swine, 2 miles on the track, go, go, go!"

Halfway through his third lap, Naomi joined Alf in the back of the pack. "Hey, fall back a bit, I don't want anyone hearing us," she said, "Look, Alf, my superiors decided that you can keep living your life here, but you'll need to work with us. You'll be put under constant surveillance and are now official property of the US government."

Alf looked down with sad eyes. Because of a stupid pizza delivery gone wrong, he was stuck with the government breathing down his neck. Naomi noticed his expression and held a hand up to his chin and brought it up.

"Hey, Alf. Everything will be alright. Trust me."

She ran ahead of him, hell-bent on finishing 2 miles in record time. Alf looked on at her.

_Well,_ he thought, _maybe this won't be that bad._

Alf came home from work and sat down on his couch, clutching his head. Mai and Avery, her boyfriend, noticed this and sat down next to him.

"Everything okay, bro?" asked Avery. As soon as he said that, Lance climbed through an open window and walked over.

"Of course everything is okay!" exclaimed Lance. Everyone stared at him. "He has the hottest girl in school around his arms and his grades are like Stephan Hawking on steroids."

Mai sympathetically looked at Alf, "First off, Lance, you're not allowed to use the window as a door. Secondly, he may have the girl and the brains, but that doesn't necessarily mean happiness."

Alf sighed and looked at his loved ones with heavy eyes. Suddenly, his arms wrapped around all three of them. He wanted to tell them about the events of last night so badly, but he knew he couldn't.

"Everything is fine, guys. I'm happy I have people who care so much. It's just," Alf let out a heavy sigh, "I feel like my life won't ever be the same."

**To be continued…**


	2. Chapter 2: Testing begins

As the middle-of-the-shift depression began to set in, Alf began to contemplate his life. Just a week ago, his life changed completely. He was now property of the United States government. He couldn't go anywhere without being followed by one of his handlers. Alf stood leaning on the desk, contemplating his existence, when he was startled by the bell on his desk.

"WelcometopizzatemplehowcanIhelpyou?" he blurted out. He looked up to see Naomi smiling at his clumsiness.

"Follow me, Alf."

She took his hand and Alf tried his best to hide his reddened cheeks. It was no secret he found his handler extremely attractive. His other handler, however, could definitely be more attractive. Naomi led Alf to the nearby Buy More and they ventured into the Home Theater room. Alf had a puzzled expression on his face.

"So, what are we doing here?" he asked with pure curiosity. His eyes widened when she flung the subwoofer open like it was a door and stepped inside. "Naomi, that's expensive!"

Naomi chuckled, "Exactly, which is why the CIA installed it here." She beckoned him inside and when he entered, he saw a high tech room filled with computers and monitors. He stood there slack jawed and whistled.

"Welcome to Castle, Alf."

Byrne walked out of one of the back rooms, "This base was established in sometime around 2008 for another team in Burbank. Later it was sold to a third party organization, but the CIA decided to buy it back for this operation. You better be worth it, Polowski, the CIA is spending millions on you."

Suddenly, the largest monitor turned on and a middle-aged, balding, old man with a stoic expression appeared. Behind him stood a portrait of President Ronald Reagan. He was wearing a full military officer uniform and a symbol that indicated he was general. Underneath his rank, it read "Casey".

"Good, you're all here. Welcome to Castle, the official headquarters of Operation Polowski," he said, "My name is General John Casey, I'll be this op's command officer."

Byrne steps forward, "We're all set up, General."

"Good, I assume you've established covers?"

"Yes, I am a PE teacher at Alf's school and Agent Eaton is a junior at the school."

Casey grunted, "I'm going to take that a step further. Agent Eaton, your cover is Alf's girlfriend. I expect you to act the part."

Naomi remained unfazed, "Yes, General, I understand."

The general's eyes narrowed to Alf. He grunted again. _He won't last a day_, he thought, _but that's what I thought about Bartowski._

"Okay, team. Before you go on any missions, I'm sending a team in to find out what Polowski's Intersect is capable of doing. Polowski, have you flashed yet?"

Alf looks at Casey with a confused stare, "Umm…flashed, sir? If you're referring to what I think you're referring to, I call them rushes, and yes, I have rushed."

"Rushes sound stupid and like you're a goddamn druggie. Use flash. That's an order."

Casey's statement brought up some internal questions. Why are they called flashes to Casey? What will the team do to him?

"The team arrives at 1800. Stay in Castle until they arrive."

_Guess I'll find out soon._

And indeed, Alf found out soon afterwards. The doors of Castle opened with a hiss and Alf turned his attention towards the sound. A group of 5 men walked in holding two briefcases each and began setting up a large chair with monitors attached to it. One of the men went up to Byrne.

"Agent Byrne, my name is Agent Cameron Briggs, my team and I were sent here to evaluate the asset's abilities"

The _asset_ butted in, "Hello? The asset is right here."

"Ah, excellent," Cameron forcibly grabbed Alf and forced him into the chair. Reaching into his bag, Cameron tried pulling something out, but fumbled for a bit. Alf pounced on the opportunity to talk.

"Agent Briggs, aren't you going to take me on a date before you gro-" Alf's words are cut off as Cameron shows him a card with picture of an old car on it.

_John F Kennedy. _

_CIA_

_Killed by: Malum Agent codenamed Gatsby_

_Gatsby still at large_

Alf's eyes returned to normal and he gasped. Blinking multiple times, he looked at Cameron and Byrne with wide eyes, "JFK WAS CIA?!"

Byrne chuckled, "Of course, numbnuts. And that building we blew up a few days ago? The guys who owned it killed the patriot. May God rest his soul." As Byrne stopped talking, Alf could swear he saw tears in his eyes.

Cameron was checking the monitor for any irregularities. When he saw there was none, he pulled another card out.

Alf spoke without even knowing, "Roan Montgomery, CIA agent, known for his skilled seduction. Taught agents such as Carmichael and Walker. Likes martinis. That flash had music in the background, is that normal?"

Byrne grunted, "You're hearing things."

"Okay, Mr. Polowski, one more card."

After his eyes flew to the back of his head for almost a minute, he came out of his flash and gasped.

"Chuck Bartowski. Former CIA agent. Missing since 2016."

Alf raised his head and saw that he was met with a questioning stare from Cameron.

"Was that all you saw, Mr. Polowski?" asked Cameron.

"Yes, sir."

"Very well. Agent Byrne, begin testing phase 2."

The sound of a gun being cocked was strangely uncomfortable to Alf. He was watching Byrne clean a gun, in a strange, intimate fashion. After he finished, he handed it to Alf.

"Uh, what am I supposed to do with this?"

"Shoot it at the targets, moron," he pointed to the wall where a target was set up.

Alf took aim, but was quickly stopped.

"Tell me the name of the gun, first. It's on the gun itself."

Alf studied the gun, before finding the name. "It's a Smith and Wesson M&amp;P22."

For some reason, Byrne frowned, but Alf shrugged it off. He took aim again and began firing with 3 second intervals. He finished the clip and look at his accomplishment. Well, to be honest, it can't really be called an accomplishment.

"You didn't even hit the target," said Byrne as he studied the holes around the target.

"In my defense, I have never fired a gun before."

"So you didn't flash?"

"Why would have I flashed?"

Byrne grunted. "Never mind, let's go back."

**Thanks for reading, R&amp;R please!**


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